亡き祖母について

About my late grand mother
2023

「処置室」で「亡くなった」祖母に触れた時、まだ何かがそこにいる気がして、まだ何かを感じている気がして、何が「死」なのか私にはわからなかった。その時まさにモノになりゆくあの祖母は一体なんだったのか、それが私をずっと捉えている。
その時、祖母は何かを感じていたのか、何を考えていた(いなかった)のか、それを知ることはできないが、私の肉体を通して、あの時の祖母になり、その手掛かりを得たいと思う。

もしもあなたがよければ、あの時の私になり、別室にいる私/祖母に「面会」してください。(これは強制ではないので、この部屋でお待ちいただいても構いません。)

★面会の手順

1. アトリエイースト前にある面会カードを記入してください。
● 患者氏名:「大澤正子」
● 面会者指名:「花形槙」
とご記入ください。
2. 入室の際は必ず手指を消毒し、マスクを着用してください。また、面会カードをネームホルダーに入れ、 首から下げてください。
3. アトリエイーストに1-2人ずつ入室し、面会してください。

When I touched my "deceased" grandmother in the "treatment room," I felt that something was still there, that she was still feeling something, and I did not know what "death" was. What was that grandmother who was becoming a thing at that very moment?
I cannot know what she was feeling or thinking (or not thinking) at that time, but I would like to become my grandmother at that time through my body and get a clue to that.

If you would like, you can be me at that time and "visit" me/my grandmother in another room. (This is not mandatory; you may wait in this room if you wish.)

★Visiting Procedures

1. Please fill out the visiting card in front of Atelier East.
● Patient's name: “大澤正子” or "OSAWA Masako”
● Visitor's name: “花形槙” or "HANAGATA Shin”
2. Please disinfect your hands and fingers and wear a mask when entering the room. Please put your visiting card in the name holder and wear it around your neck.
3. Please enter and visit 1-2 people at a time in Atelier East.

Asian Performing Arts Camp 2023, In-Tokyo Sharing Session(東京芸術劇場アトリエイースト・ウェスト)
Asian Performing Arts Camp 2023, In-Tokyo Sharing Session(atelier east, west in Tokyo Metropolitan Theater)
Photography: Kazuyuki Matsumoto

text: 亡き祖母について

2023.10.7

今年の3月に会った時は大好きなレストランに行って、親子丼か何かを一緒に食べて、いつもの武勇伝を聞かせてくれた。親代わりに兄弟の面倒を見ていた戦時中のこと、級長だった学生時代のこと、卒業してエリート銀行員になったこと、裁縫学校で師範にならないかと言われたこと、おじいちゃんが脱サラしてすぐ倒産して、でも自分がその分働いたこと、所長からこっそりボーナスをもらったこと、息子と娘を大学に入れたこと、貯金まで作ってマンションを買ったこと、早口に、とても力強く話してくれた。人生フルバージョンで聞けたのは初めてかもしれないなと考えつつ、相槌はどんどんテキトーになって、それもいつものように気づかず
お構いなしに話し続けている。顔はつやつやしていて、目は真っ直ぐに大きく見開いて、たくさんの時間が乱反射した。

ーーー

9月が終わるころ、祖母が入院している病院から、もうそれほどながくはないので会える時にあってくれとの連絡があり、僕はその週末に東京に戻る予定だったので、その日に家族でお見舞いに行くことになった。京都から新幹線で新横浜に降り、新しくなってからは知らなかった相鉄で向かうと、こぢんまりとした駅があり、そこから数分のところにこぢんまりとした病院があり、その2階にその人がいた。「面会は1日2人までなんですが…、今日だけ特別ですよ」と看護師さんが言った。奥からおじさん（祖母の息子）が出てきて、偶然その日その時間、家族が集まっていた。でもルールで1人ずつしか会えなかったのだが、それで僕の番になって、祖母の病床に向かう。カーテンの布に手をかけ、横にスライドする。少しずつ布団が見える。

いた

全てが異なっていた、その存在、削ぎ落とされた、樹皮の肌、熱く、乾いていて、うす茶色の大きなシミがベージュの毛の中にある、しかしそれは薄く柔らかく、まとわった、薄緑色の布の中に、細い枝を垂らし、羽織のあいだから、グレイのケーブルがループしながら、四角いマシンに接続され、透明のチューブの、中を人工的な緑色の、液体が滞っている、喉はごぽごぽと音を立てて、痰と呼吸がせめぎ合う、ただ言葉もなく、

その触覚がずっと残っている

目は真っ直ぐに大きく見開いて、こちらを見据えていた、しろくにごり、よどみながら、周囲もろとも、吸い込むようにして、全ての時間を、今に吸い込むようにして、無垢に、にぶく確実に、つらぬく。

ーーー

その日の深夜、眠っている母の携帯が異様に鳴った。祖母の病院の名が書かれていた。
父が車を飛ばした。

部屋が移されており、向かう、「処置室」と書かれた部屋の、引き戸を横にスライドする、少しずつ布団が見える。

それはもう動かなくなっていた

さっきよりも暖かくない

乾き切った口元にはまだマスクがされていて

“ジリキデノコキュウトシンパクヲオコナエナクナッテオリ”

まだ暖かい

黒曜石のような目が薄く見えて

上滑りする

“エーゲンザイジューガツフツカゴゼンニジゴリンジューデス”

まだそこにいる
何かを感じている

遠く薄れゆく

何十年もの間一生懸命働いてきた、乗り越えてきたあらゆること、全ての人生

モノになっていく

白い腕、ガウンに包まれて、白いかけ布、ベッドのフレーム、つるりとした床、カーテン、蛍光灯、さまざまな装置、なりつづくアラート、を鼓膜へと伝える空気、を吸うマスク越しの口、から続く内臓、筋肉、赤い腕

全てが茶番
全てが等価に

ーーー

家族は呼び出され、まだ暖かい「死んだ」祖母の肉体を処置室に残して、待合室に移る。知らない医師がおり、死亡証明書と生命保険についての同意書について、これみよがしに悲しげに、懇切丁寧に説明をする。死亡証明書の原本は役所に提出したあと手元に残らないのでコピーをとっておき、保険会社に提出する診断書はそれぞれにフォーマットが異なるので、確認次第病院に本人が出向いてください。それらの発行には手数料が必要です。ガスや水道料金などの解約手続きはお早めに行なってください。病院にはご遺体を冷やす設備がないので今すぐ葬儀業者に連絡し、引き取る手筈を伝えてください。その際、お母さまのお名前と業者名を守衛のものに名乗ってもらうよう伝えてください。

全てが上滑りする。

祖母の肉体は、看護師が死化粧を施し、すぐに現れた異様に肩幅の広い葬儀屋のバンで、さっさと運ばれた。「死んだ」瞬間、まるで最初から決まっていたかのように全ての機能がそのバグを自動的に修復してしまうように、滞りなく処理が行われ、祖母は「正常に死んだ」。

text: About my late grand mother

2023.10.7

When I met her this March, we went to her favorite restaurant, had oyakodon or something together, and she told me the usual saga of her life. She told me about her wartime days when she took care of her siblings instead of her parents, her school days when she was the class president, how she became an elite banker after graduation, how she was asked to become a teacher at a sewing school, how her grandfather left the company and soon went bankrupt but she worked for it, how she secretly received bonuses from the director, how she got her son and She talked about how she had put his son and daughter through college, how she had saved up enough money to buy a condominium, and so on. I thought that this might be the first time I had heard the full version of the story, but my speech was getting more and more tentative, and as usual, she was oblivious to it and kept on talking. His face was glazed, his eyes were straight and wide open, and much time was spent in diffuse reflection.

ーーー

Toward the end of September, I received a call from the hospital where my grandmother was staying that she would not be there much longer, so I asked to see her when I could. I took the Shinkansen from Kyoto to Shin-Yokohama and the Sotetsu train, which I had not known about since it was new, to a cozy station. The nurse said, "We only allow two visitors daily, but today is a special day. An uncle (my grandmother's son) came out from the back, and it just so happened that the family was gathered that day at that time. But the rules only allowed me to see them one at a time, so it was my turn, and I headed over to my grandmother's hospital bed, put my hand on the curtain cloth, slid it to the side, and little by little, I could see the bedding.

There she was.

Everything was different: the presence, the shaved, bark skin, hot, dry, with large spots of light brown in the beige fur, but it was thin, soft, cloaked, in a light green cloth, thin branches hanging weakly, and between the cloak, a gray cable looped, square A clear tube, connected to a machine, with an artificial green liquid stagnating inside, throat gurgling, phlegm and breath jostling, just no words,

The tactile sensation lingers.

Straight, wide-open eyes, white, staring straight at me, stuttering, inhaling the surroundings, inhaling all of time into the present, innocent, sluggish, sure, trudging along.

ーーー

Late that night, my sleeping mother's cell phone rang oddly. It had the name of my grandmother's hospital on it.
My father drove away.

The room had been moved, and we were on our way to a room marked "treatment room," where we could see a sliding door sliding sideways, and little by little, a futon.

It was no longer moving.

No warmer than before.
There's still a mask over my mouth, which has dried out.

"Jirikidenoko kokyuutoshinpaku wo okonaenakunatteori."(She is unable to breathe and beat her heart on his own.)

Still warm.
Eyes like obsidian, thinly visible
I skim up and down

"Aegen zaijugatu futsukago zeni jigorinjude desu."(Well, it is now 2:00 a.m. on October 2, and she is dead.)

Still there.
I'm feeling something
Fading into the distance
All the things I've worked so hard for decades, all the things I've overcome, all my life becomes a thing

White arms, wrapped in gowns, white drapes, bed frames, smooth floors, curtains, fluorescent lights, various devices, alerts that continue to become, air to my eardrums, mouth through a mask to breathe, organs, muscles, red arms

All a farce.
All in equal measure.

--

The family is summoned and moved to the waiting room, leaving the still-warm body of the "dead" grandmother in the treatment room. A doctor, whom we do not know, explains the death certificate and the life insurance agreement to us in a very sad and polite manner, as if to say: "The original death certificate will not be kept after you submit it to the government. The original death certificate will not be kept after it is submitted to the government office, so a photocopy should be kept. The medical certificates to be submitted to the insurance companies are in different formats, so the patient should visit the hospital in person as soon as they are confirmed. A fee is required for their issuance. Please complete the cancellation procedures for gas and water bills as soon as possible. Since the hospital does not have facilities to cool the body, please contact the funeral home immediately and inform them of the arrangements to pick up the body. When you do so, tell them to have the guard give your mother's name and the vendor's name.

Everything will be over the top.

My grandmother's body was quickly carried away in an oddly broad-shouldered funeral director's van, which appeared immediately after the nurse applied her death makeup. At the moment of "death," the process went off without a hitch, as if all functions automatically repaired their bugs as if they had been determined from the beginning, and my grandmother "died normally."